Stop the Search Party

There comes a point in life in which we have to grow up. As women, we often find ourselves on the constant and continual search for love and happiness. We throw ourselves whole-heartedly into the dating game with hopes of so many fish being our respective filet mignons; and for many of us ladies out there we realize that instead of the top cuisine meal we had hoped for, we constantly get let down. Now, our first instinct as self-respecting, confident women is to blame external forces. I know you have heard it one too many times, “All the good men are either gay or married,” or better yet, “Those [other race] women keep taking away our men.” I have been there, asked the same questions, and sat my fair share of nights in the dark listening to Gladys Knight’s “Neither One of Us.”

I have recently seen the sweet, sweet, glorious light and today I challenge you ladies to do the same. The advice I’ve come to give isn’t of any novel nature in itself, but with the recent slew of pro-aggressive advice given to women in the realm of relationships I think it’s time we get reintroduced to the concept of simply living life. Stop looking for dates and relationships and take that time and energy to work on you. It’s time we step back to figure out how to be complete without finding that someone to “complete” us. Think about how many hours we pine away sending up silent prayers and wishing that we find our special someone versus the hours we spend proactively getting ourselves together. I’m guilty of these actions too. I cannot deny the many days I spent in my feelings wishing for my “on-point” guy, but in actuality I should have spent that time working to be on point myself.

I have read over and over again that we cannot expect an ideal partner to be anything we’re not; meaning, we cannot expect the Old Spice guy and hold every man that passes our way to that standard when we barely hit the gym or pick up anything licorice and sweets. We can’t expect any man we meet to be well versed in the different literary works of Homer, Dostoevsky, or Hawthorne if we haven’t picked up a book since our last college reading assignment. I said that not to illuminate our somewhat hypocritical standards or even our flaws, but to imply that while we so anxiously wait on some individual to satisfied these “voids” we should really be looking to fill them ourselves. This is the time to find ourselves and our personal goals and interests. Learn to love yourself and change the things about yourself that you wish to change. Invest in a hobby, invest in a skill, but most importantly invest in yourself.

Ladies, now is the time to stop searching, because honestly when you look so hard for something so rare you open yourself to the idea of settling which is not healthy for anyone. I have learned to live by the motto, “No expectations. No disappointments,” which is so true. The more you expect for Mr. Right to come along, the more you’ll allow Mr. Right-for-Now’s to muddle your sense of desire and the more you’ll continue to be let down. But if you spend your time of singleness doing something productive, the day Mr. Right comes along you’ll be pleasantly surprised; and you’ll know it’s him because he’ll exactly what you initially hoped for.

I’m advocating this, simply, quit searching desperately for a man. You’re beautiful and have so much potential that is being wasted while you’re stuck in the role of being a desperate damsel. Be the strong woman you are and the man of your dreams will come. But the more you act as someone you’re not (this desperate, driven-less, ambitious-less loser) you’re lessening your chances of meeting the man you long for. Think about it, even if he comes along he won’t see the real you so he won’t be compelled to want to meet you. Why? Because you’ve appeared to be average and dull. So be yourself and work on refining yourself until you are a better you. Your Cliff will come along and sweep you off your feet before you even get a chance to realize it. And honestly, that’s the best way to fall in love.