Nothing Important.. Seriously.

Maturity. It's a great thing, HOWEVER, no one ever warned me that with maturity comes irritation. It's like the more mature I get as life progresses the more I see people for what they really are. And the less I take into consideration the thoughts or opinions of others and how they feel about me. It's like, I get real tired of people telling me, "Hey, you talk a lot." I know this. I've talked 'too much' since I was a baby. Nothings changing. I really don't care if you don't like it. Have something decent to say and I wouldn't feel the need to express myself as much. Maybe.

And another thing. Why are people so darn sensitive now a days. What ever happened to the 'suck it up and move on' philosphy? Is it seriously off limits to make harmless jokes about people without them getting clinically depressed and being pissed off about it?

I don't have much to say. Just felt I haven't written anything in a few days so I wanted to post so all of my 2 readers (lol) wouldn't be wondering where Ms. Jai went.

P.S. Have I mentioned I L-O-V-E dark skinned guys. Mhhhmmm-Mhhhmmmmm-Mhhmmmmmmm! That's about it for now.

Pain? [Old Post]

This is an older post, I'm only re-posting this during this period of reflection of my life. I think it's important to see the progress I've made within my life in contrast to the feelings I still harbor.

So I guess all pain is subjective, huh? What may hurt may not necessarily hurt you. I've been in pain every since I can remember. I remember being a little kid and hearing my parents argue.. but I didn't really think too much of it because that's something that did on the regular. My household had also been kinda split. It was always like my brother Anton belonged to my mother and I belong to my father. Anytime there was an argument my dad would insist I go with him where ever --mostly my grandmother's house. The only time my mom actually fought for me was purely out of spite for my father. And even as a six year old.. I resented her for that. I used to cry myself to sleep when holidays like Easter came along. You see, my brother Anton always got one of those store bought "nice" basket with all the candy and toys in it. And I always received a home-made basket with some candy and fake play eggs. And although my parent's probably assumed I cried and was upset because I wanted more or I was materialistic or even unappreciative. I really cried because even as a little kid it felt like I wasn't as valuable. I remember every time it came time to pay for lunch money my brother would always ask my mom and she would give him his lunch money with no problem. But if my daddy was running low on funds and he told me to ask my mother.. she'd start this big fight. And I remember I would run to my room and sit in the corner of my little closet and just bawl. It seemed like I was always either the reason for them fighting or in their argument. I know when I was like 5 I decided in my mind that when I turned 10 I was running away from home. LOL. I thought it would ease everyone out of their misery. I used to think maybe if I wasn't born everyone wouldn't be as angry as they were. I still to this day occasionally think that.



You see, my parents got married July 6th, 1991. A day that's really, really painful to me. It's exactly 16 days.. exactly 16.. before I was born. I mean, I've always known I wasn't a planned pregnancy but every time I think about their 'anniversary' I think about how much my birth.. my existence made them so miserable. It's different to find out your pregnant and decide you're gonna get married but to wait so long.. so close to the birth of your child.



Growing up.. eventually my brother ran away from home and ended up staying with my Grandfather (where he is now). And I was left an 'only' child with my parents. I remember my brother used to always threaten and tell me he was leaving. I used to say, "I don't care". You know, trying to be cool. But I remember distinctly one day he told me, "Okay you don't care if I leave but watched how much things will get worse after I'm gone." I'll never forget those words. Shortly after that 'promise' he left. And just as he said things got worse. Day after day..



My brother left when I was in like 6th grade.. his senior year of high school. Man, 6th grade really wasn't the year for me. That's the same year my grandmother died (on my mom's side). She'd been in a coma for at least a year.. she was basically a vegetable. I know that incident really hit my mother hard.. I didn't realize this until recently when we went to visit my great aunt in the nursing home and my mom had a breakdown. She remembered having to watch her mother dying in a nursing home for over a year. I've never really been close my mother but at that point I really saw her weak and I felt a little closer. But anyway my whole middle school experience wasn't the best. Then when I got to high school it got worse.



I can't exactly remember when it started but for the longest time my mother has always called me negative things.. like "cow" etc. And I always try to act as though it didn't hurt.. but it did. I always try to act confident now.. but I'm not. It's really just a mask to cover the many scars of insecurity I have. I'm in pain.

To be continued..

If U Were My BestFriend...

ALLLLLLRIIIGGGGGGHHHTY Then..

I've decided to do a blog continuing my letters. Only because this young fellow will always be in my heart. I love him even though I don't think he realizes how much. He's really the most special male in my life besides my father. Hopefully, he gets who he is.. He is pretty genius. LOL. (And since I use his nickname and there's a pic of his foot at the bottom HE'D BETTER GET IT! LOL)

Dear AppleJuice,

Okay I know we really haven't been 'close' for that long but honestly it feels like we've known each other for ages. I tell you everything.. YES, everything. You're probably thinking I'm lying right about now but I really do my life is just really uneventful. Anyway, you're like the coolest guy I've ever met. I would totally snatch you up if I wasn't so horrible at relationships -- you see how me and "Crazy BOY" turned out.. lol. Seriously though, you're really funny and you almost always brighten my day whenever we talk --whether online or on the phone-- unless you're being as emo as me, which is kinda a day brightener because it's funny when you're depressed.. you say odd things. Anyway I know you don't believe me when I say I love you but I do.. you kinda taught me it's okay to say those 3 little words. I had a hard time saying even the word love because of my insecurities and past pain but you kinda taught me to trust guys again. You showed me not all of them are evil.. and not all guys you befriend will use you to gain access to other females... etc. ANYWHO! You're about the only person I know who can say something and I'll just take it for whatever it is no questions about it. You could even lie and tell me the sky is purple.. and I'd believe you. Just because I know you'd never tell me anything that would end up hurting me.. and because I trust you. I know you may think I just tag you with the title of bestfriend but you really epitomize what a bestfriend should be to me. You're kind, genuine, sincere, sweet, nice, caring, compassionate, real, and plus you don't judge me. I really am blessed to have some one of your stature in my life. I know at any moment I could call you with some plain craziness about my family, people at school, or boys and you'd always have something positive, encouraging, or ensuring to say. There's probably like nothing I would change about you.. (well, maybe you're height so you could know what it feels like being short.. lol.) You make me SMILE (isn't that a slogan?). Even your laugh makes me smile.. shhhhoooot, even remembering a time you laughed makes me smile. Remember when we were watching Mr. Roberts [[correction: It's Mr. Rogers.. I'm horrible with names.]] on the phone and we figured out that him and that other guy Mr. I forget his name were so homo.. LOL. We make the best bestfriend team out there. We're top flight bestfriends of the world, Craig!!! LMAO! I friggin love you till death do us part bestfriend!!! I ♥U!!!

U Mean the World 2 ME

,

Jendayi N. Douglas

Stuck on Stupid

You know what I know I'm a little bit early in the blog game to be so negative but.. it has to be done. People are getting on my last nerve so what's about to be said is real. No apologies will be offered.. no remorse.

Why are people so concerned with the lives of others in today's society? Like seriously, if I haven't formally invited you into my life or my problems, why do you feel the need to be pro-active about the situation and give your two cents? It would seem as though with all the problems occurring in almost everyone elses' lives you wouldn't have the time nor the energy to invest your unnecessary and unneeded input. Is your life that worthless and trivial that you feel the need to upgrade mine? And if that's the case why would I even want your assistance since you're life is in the same predicament as mine.

And when did your opinion become more valuable or valid than mine? When did you assume just because you're 20 years older than me that you can still say something to me that I may not agree with and I'll just accept as if I'm 7 years old again? If you insist on critiquing my every action with 'words of wisdom' at the VERY least please offer words that aren't ridiculous. Say something that can't be debating. Because you should already know I'm going to have to say something to you about your ignorance.. and more than likely you'll end up hurt. So save your face and your pride and don't speak to me on my life unless I ask you. And since you're so old I know that you should know what a question sounds like.

And why do people feel the need to look at me and 'remember' my face when they know they've seen you before. Especially females. Now, yall know I already have a disliking for most of you but why add to it by looking at me like I'm foreign or something you've never seen before when I KNOW you've seen me.. we've met for Christ's sake. WHY? Don't you all know that it's extremely annoying and makes you look so stupid. ESPECIALLY WHEN I KNOW IT'S CONNECTED TO A GUY. I know he's mentioned me probably more than once. I know you're probably interested in him. I know you're upset because he doesn't have your name all up and through his vocabulary like the name Jai but seriously don't stare at me like the Mona Lisa. And I know yall are probably reading this like WOAH somebody's conceited but that's rude. I'm out somewhere and you're staring at me like I have a booger on my face.. not the business so cut it out.

Going along with what I just mentioned. I know it's not elementary anymore so I honestly don't know why females have their drawers all in a bunch over basic childish stuff. Like why would you get upset if a guy's obviously not interested in you but in someone else you happen to know. Is it that serious? If it is to you please quit making this apparent to others. It shows off your low confidence. Because if you had any ounce of self pride or dignity you'd get over it and move on. I mean, I'm not saying you can't be hurt a little but there's no need to dwell on it. The only exceptions I can find to this is if you and the guy used to talk, date, or currently do. Other than that I don't see why yall get so upset. Just because you think he's attractive doesn't give you the right to assume possession over him. Grow up ladies!

And can I get people to quit being so negative. I'm about tired of accomplishing or knowing something, sharing my experience with others and they just look at me like "Whatever". That's just plain rude. At the very least you could say "Good for you". Quit being KillJoys..

That's my little vent of frustration right now. If you're "lucky" enough to read this and my other blog entries please share with your friends and family. Introduce somebody to the world of the Jai Bird.

AND IF YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH DESIGNING BANNER OR BACKGROUND PLEASE EMAIL ME AT msprincess006@yahoo.com. OR COMMENT ME ON HERE. THANKS!

If It Isn't Love?

I figured out exactly what my problem is with relationships. And I figure that I'm probably not the only person with this problem so as I self-diagnose myself I figure I'll take yall along on the ride.

Okay. So as a black kid growing up you're encouraged to watch black movies. Which primarily always have to do something with love. I've always told my friends I wanted that Love & Basketball/Brown Sugar type of love. Of course jokingly but however I saw these movies and admired so many things Omar Epps and Taye Diggs had to offer both of Sanaa Lathan's characters. I guess you could say I somewhat fell in love with the attributes fictional characters had to offer. However in the midst of yet another hopeless, failed, relationship disaster, I realized something. Maybe I can't find these attributes because they're about as fictional as the characters. Maybe I'm expecting too much of perfection. Maybe I need to stop outlining my dream man. Not every guy I date has to be marriage material. Maybe I need to live life to the fullest and have fun within my relationships.

YET, how easy is it? And why do we subject ourselves to these mythical allusions about love? How easy is it to love, and to be loved? How do we find it? And when we find it will it have conditionals and contract-like holds on it?

For those who have been in successful relationships.. those who have loved in the purest form and enjoyed it... can you share with us hopeless romantics? I normally don't get all lovey-dovey, ewwy-gooey but I just want to know. Before I walk into another disaster. I want 2008 to be an 'advancement' on Jai's dating scene.

Feel free to comment. Shout-outs to Jia-Tv.com who linked your girl, little old Jai. Lol. Check her out she's killing the blog and vlog game right now. Let her know who sent you! Anyway share what you think and get at me!

P.S. I love New Edition.. that's one of the reasons why I felt this blog should to be titled that. Lol. But for all of yall old-schoolers, yall can't tell me that Ralph (Tresvant, for all who don't know and are about to Google it) didn't look about as homosexual as Miss Jay from ANTM. Lol. What was with that whole putting your head in the bucket and slinging it back like he did in the video for "If It Isn't Love". That was really awkward looking.. I've always thought that. And I know the boy was skinny and all but did he really have to be the only one wearing tights and flats? REALLY? Let me leave Ralph alone. I still got love for New Edition. From their original members to the remakes! =0]

Moving on.. No Looking Back: I Have Learned

"I have learned

That people ain't gon' change unless they wanna

Can't make em over

It's hard to learn

That love's a fallen city you can't conquer

Can't take it over

[chorus]But my music will never break my heart

As long as I've got her then I'll never fall apart

Some may say I'm crazy for reacting this way

But I'm just glad I finally said what I wanna say

I have learned

That crying don't always solve all your problems

It just prolongs them

It's hard to learn

The only one to help you is yourself

Nobody else cares

[chorus]But my music will never break my heart

As long as I've got her then I'll never fall apart

Some may say I'm crazy for reacting this way

But I'm just glad I finally said what I wanna say...

To be continued..."

-Priscilla Renea

That is an unfinished song by this girl on youtube who calls herself Priscilla Renea. I think the lyric and melody are just beautiful and not just from the perspective of a pianist and vocalist myself.. but from just someone who is always in search of a song or a story that captures your train of thought or is always in the back of your mind as your own personal soundtrack to life. For the past year or so I've been experiencing some stormy weather, or a stormy season, rather. And like all seasons of storm.. at first you get a light drizzle. And it's not so bad, you kind of take blame for your hair getting wet because you're like "I should have listened to the newscaster this morning but oh well I'll just be better prepared the next day." And the next day comes and it's more than a light drizzle and you think "Oh gosh I thought I was going to pay attention to the news. But oh well." So for the most part you feel you've learned your lesson. So as the next rainy day rolls around you're prepared however it's not enough. Because unlike actual rain.. when it metaphorically rain and you wait to do something about it, you've dug yourself in a ditch. And you basically can't start fresh or make a new beginning. And because I don't feel like finishing my crappy metaphor I'm going to go off the assumption people will know what I'm talking about. So basically, I'm still in stormy season. But since I'm a Christian I know that I'm only being molded and prepared for something that God has in store for me. But since I'm a human I'm growing rather in impatient because I hate being uncomfortable. I hate being pushed beyond my comfort zones. And, honey, I'm far far beyond my pillow. Yet, I'm grateful because within a year's time I've learned and experienced SO much. I've learned about myself, faced reality about people in my life, matured.. still I think that God's trying to take me so much farther. I can't say what He has in store for me because I honestly don't know; however, whatever it is.. because of this state I'm currently in I know it's going to be HUGE. My father is a preacher and he has this sermon titled "A Lesson in the Storm". It's taken from Mark 6.. and his 3 points he pulls from that text is: 1. Storms are always Sent 2. Storms are always seen by God & 3. Storms are always ceased. I really believe that. Well anyway I said ALL that to say.. this year I'm advancing myself like the NAACP (tried to add humor.. guess it didn't work). I'm tired of feeling so stagnant.. so here are my 'resolutions'. Actually I don't want to call them that because resolutions are like promises they're made to be broken.. I call them my 'advancesolutions' (AND YES, THAT'S AN OFFICIAL HAND-MADE WORD)!

Jai's Advancesolutions:

1. TRY to find happiness in all situations..

2. Quit explaining myself or my actions to people.. if you can't or don't realize your petty little 'efforts' to destroy ALWAYS end up making me better then that's just your breath and strength wasted. I do what I want. My father always told me: If your actions can't be justified within your mind.. then there's no need for them. I live by that. You don't have to..

3. Quit treating relationships like baseball.. whether they be platonic or not you're not getting chance after chance after chance. 2008 is about progress.. and by giving you opportunity after opportunity after opportunity, I'm technically enabling you and I refuse to continue to do that. I don't care even if you're family. I'm not allowing you to hinder my growth and I'm not allowing myself to be the excuse for your behavior. I'm growing.. I think you should too.

4. Be the best Jai that Jai can be.. this is the year I improve my confidence, my appearance, my attitude.. just ME. But not into the molds you all want but into a picture perfect magazine image which appeals to me.. regardless if its only me.

5. Live everyday to the fullest.. take a shot at every opportunity possible. Never know what could come of it.

That's all for now!

What are you all's "advancesolutions"?

Introducing Ms. Jai Love

Hey everyone!

This is Jai Love.. and although I'm definitely not new to the blogging world, this is the first time I'm deciding to make my blogs, thoughts, opinions, etc. public.

I'm often told that 1 of my God-given gifts is writing and I do like to run my mouth so I thought "Why not let the world in on what I'm thinking?" So here we are.

I'm unleashing my somewhat radical opinions, my hopeless romantic thoughts, and my 'keen' mouth for telling things how I see them to yall.

And yes, I think you all should get prepared because you're in for an adventure! Lol.

Anyway. It's a new year and hopefully a New ME!

Anyway I'll more than likely be blogging a little later. Just wanted to post an introduction... Lata'!

P.S. The pic at the "get-go" of this blog is me... Jai Love. However, not that I have a problem with people who wear glasses, I DO NOT normally. There reading glasses. Mwauh!