This is an older post, I'm only re-posting this during this period of reflection of my life. I think it's important to see the progress I've made within my life in contrast to the feelings I still harbor.
So I guess all pain is subjective, huh? What may hurt may not necessarily hurt you. I've been in pain every since I can remember. I remember being a little kid and hearing my parents argue.. but I didn't really think too much of it because that's something that did on the regular. My household had also been kinda split. It was always like my brother Anton belonged to my mother and I belong to my father. Anytime there was an argument my dad would insist I go with him where ever --mostly my grandmother's house. The only time my mom actually fought for me was purely out of spite for my father. And even as a six year old.. I resented her for that. I used to cry myself to sleep when holidays like Easter came along. You see, my brother Anton always got one of those store bought "nice" basket with all the candy and toys in it. And I always received a home-made basket with some candy and fake play eggs. And although my parent's probably assumed I cried and was upset because I wanted more or I was materialistic or even unappreciative. I really cried because even as a little kid it felt like I wasn't as valuable. I remember every time it came time to pay for lunch money my brother would always ask my mom and she would give him his lunch money with no problem. But if my daddy was running low on funds and he told me to ask my mother.. she'd start this big fight. And I remember I would run to my room and sit in the corner of my little closet and just bawl. It seemed like I was always either the reason for them fighting or in their argument. I know when I was like 5 I decided in my mind that when I turned 10 I was running away from home. LOL. I thought it would ease everyone out of their misery. I used to think maybe if I wasn't born everyone wouldn't be as angry as they were. I still to this day occasionally think that.
You see, my parents got married July 6th, 1991. A day that's really, really painful to me. It's exactly 16 days.. exactly 16.. before I was born. I mean, I've always known I wasn't a planned pregnancy but every time I think about their 'anniversary' I think about how much my birth.. my existence made them so miserable. It's different to find out your pregnant and decide you're gonna get married but to wait so long.. so close to the birth of your child.
Growing up.. eventually my brother ran away from home and ended up staying with my Grandfather (where he is now). And I was left an 'only' child with my parents. I remember my brother used to always threaten and tell me he was leaving. I used to say, "I don't care". You know, trying to be cool. But I remember distinctly one day he told me, "Okay you don't care if I leave but watched how much things will get worse after I'm gone." I'll never forget those words. Shortly after that 'promise' he left. And just as he said things got worse. Day after day..
My brother left when I was in like 6th grade.. his senior year of high school. Man, 6th grade really wasn't the year for me. That's the same year my grandmother died (on my mom's side). She'd been in a coma for at least a year.. she was basically a vegetable. I know that incident really hit my mother hard.. I didn't realize this until recently when we went to visit my great aunt in the nursing home and my mom had a breakdown. She remembered having to watch her mother dying in a nursing home for over a year. I've never really been close my mother but at that point I really saw her weak and I felt a little closer. But anyway my whole middle school experience wasn't the best. Then when I got to high school it got worse.
I can't exactly remember when it started but for the longest time my mother has always called me negative things.. like "cow" etc. And I always try to act as though it didn't hurt.. but it did. I always try to act confident now.. but I'm not. It's really just a mask to cover the many scars of insecurity I have. I'm in pain.
To be continued..
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